The pattern in which we pay attention to these 3 instincts very much affects our relationship to money.

We can call this prioritization we give to our instincts our “instinctual stack.”  The dominant instinct is the instinct we put most of our focus, energy, and effort on. It is what we believe keeps us alive. The focus on the dominant instinct becomes a distortion when I put almost all my energy here and little energy towards the other instincts. The benefits of directing my attention and energy towards this instinct are obvious. I am purposeful and planful about this instinct, and I believe that the time spent cultivating this instinct is well-spent. I can sustain interest in this area. I have a sense of agency, self-reliance and confidence about this area. I feel responsible for things in this arena, and do not rely on others to take care of things for me here. This dominant instinct is my gift to a relationship. It is how I tend to “serve” in my close relationships.

The blindspot instinct is the instinct that I put almost no focus or energy on. It is like an unused muscle that I don’t remember having. This arena feels irrelevant to my well-being. I am not planful in this arena, mostly because I have no sense of agency or confidence toward this instinct. I don’t feel like I have any control over what happens in this sphere. I have a feeling that my time is better spent elsewhere, and I rely on others to help me address the issues of this area. I cannot sustain interest in this area for long. The only way I can pay attention to this area is if the concern is immediate, and in front of me, visual. Otherwise, it easily slips into my unconsciousness. I always find other things more interesting to put my time and energy towards. I convince myself that it is not important to pay attention to this area. I convince myself it is boring and will take time away from more important things. But the truth is that I feel a great deal of anxiety and shame because I feel deficient and inadequate in this arena. I hope someone else will come to my rescue.

The middle instinct is the one we neither put too much weight on nor completely ignore. We tend to reference this middle instinct when we are more relaxed, or as a way to support our dominant instinct. We refer to it in a pinch, but we don’t have a great deal of confidence in our abilities in this area. It is usually referenced either as a support or a relaxation. Though we are not as facile in expressing this instinct, we do not worry about it so much either.

From childhood, we tend to be unbalanced in these three categories of instincts.  Shortly after birth, we develop ego structures that help us to survive and know ourselves as separate individuals. From this early concern about surviving, our bodies are already in stress. When we are in stress, concerned about our survival, our brains release hormones that put our bodies into heightened states of alert and increase the level of glucose in our body to provide our muscles with a burst of energy. It also shuts down nonessential bodily processes such as digestion and the immune response. In the same way, when we are stressed and overly concerned about our survival, we tend to shut down certain areas of focus while paying greater attention to the area that has traditionally worked best for us. Rather than spread our energies thin over three categories of instincts, we focus on one instinct if we are highly stressed, and two instincts if we are only mildly stressed.

When we are in survival mode, it is essentially impossible for us to pay attention to all three categories of instincts simultaneously. It just seems to take too much energy and presence to be able to multitask this way. If we are focusing on our Sexual instinct to keep us alive, any break to the charge and intensity feels like death. If we are focusing on our Self-Preservation instinct to keep us alive, we cannot afford to be disrupted from our stability. And if we are focusing on our Social instinct, any break to our social connection feels like a threat to our survival. In survival mode, our instincts are imbalanced, and we cannot thrive. We must learn to regulate and balance our instincts as we mature so that we can transition from survival mode to thriving mode.

Our instincts are very deeply programmed in us. We tend to relate to our instincts in a particular way throughout our lives. We may have periods when Self-Preservation is more salient and we put more attention there, for example, but overall, the way that we reference the various instincts is basically consistent over our lives. Our instincts and their balance/imbalance are the medium through which our personality types have an impact on our relationship to money.  When our egos are running the show, we reflexively operate from fear and it is very difficult to balance these instincts. This creates many different problems for us with money. Only when our instincts become more balanced can our relationship to money become healthy. That is why balancing these three categories of instincts is so important. 

To learn more, check out Money: From Fear To Love – Using the Enneagram to Create Wealth, Prosperity, and Love.

The Sexual instinct is the instinct that enables us to transmit our genetic material.

This instinct seems to be regulated by our root brain – the part of our brain that regulates the autonomic nervous system. This is the instinct to expend energy to do something intensely creative. This sexual energy is about the attraction, repulsion, and magnetic forces that propel us to reproduce. There is nothing rational about it. From nature’s point of view, what matters is that certain combinations come together.

The Sexual instinct is about disruptive energy. It is about the willingness to go after what you want, invest fully, create something new, and not care about the consequences. If something attractive comes along, we take our chances. The thrill of the chase and the hit of the hunt are worth it. Creating new life and transmitting genetic material is not ordinary or stable. This instinct is about putting oneself on display so that others notice and are attracted to you. This is also the instinct of strong likes and dislikes, to be strongly attracted as well as strongly repelled. The Sexual instinct is curious, and wants to go deeply and intensely towards the object of attraction, to discover and create. It is an optimistic energy that generates excitement and conveys charge to others. The Sexual instinct is daring, bold, aggressive, and competitive, fueled by the hope that something great will happen. It is the instinct that enables us to go towards something that may cause us to die, literally or figuratively, with a come-what-may attitude. But the Sexual instinct also gives us our resiliency and perseverance. When an attraction does not work out and we fail, we need to have the ability to come back and try again. It is not about the survival of the group or even our own survival, but about the survival of our genetic material.

When my dominant instinct is the Sexual instinct, I am focused on the juice. I have very strong likes and dislikes. I want to be emotionally real and go deep as a way to have a more intense connection with my passion. My radar is always up, seeking the juice and transmitting interest. I could never imagine doing something that I was not passionate about. I would never forsake my passion for the sake of stability or social approval. To me, that would be absolutely ludicrous. My life might be dramatic and stressful, but I am resilient and roll with the punches. I never assume stability. I don’t have the attention span for stability. I have no interest in hedging my bets and diversifying risk. I am not at all interested in stability or hoarding resources. What I care about is being in my mojo, with the energetic confidence and charisma to do whatever I want. My mojo is my sex appeal, self confidence, sense of invincibility and virility, my ability to bounce back if something bad happens to me.

When the Sexual instinct is my dominant energy, I have little patience for routines, details, and maintenance. I am curious, impetuous, experimental. I am willing to go headfirst, deep, hard, intensely, without any concern for pulling back or burning out. I have little fear of material failure or death. I can get so tunnel-focused on what attracts me that nothing else and no one else matters. I won’t hold back out of fear of being hurt. If I am going to fight to the death, then I will take down my opponent and we may both go down in flames. If I come out the victor, I will survive and go on to dominate (and reproduce).

This instinctual energy is not about surviving a storm by being prepared or huddling together. Rather, this energy is about the ability to survive by infusing my passion, coming back from the ashes, rising again. It is the instinct to take advantage of any opportunity, small though it may be, and make the most and best of it. It is is this resiliency that makes up a necessary third leg to this triad of instincts, without which we would never have survived as a species. When all else fails, and we cannot maintain the security of shelter, and even the banding together with our fellow mates does not work, we must rely on our own fire and passion to live and carry on, and this is what this Sexual instinct gives us.

There are money strengths and weaknesses associated with a dominant Sexual instinct. A person with a dominant Sexual instinct will be open to new opportunities and willing to take big risks for potentially big rewards. They have confidence and optimism and are bold, resilient and not easily deterred. Their lives feel meaningful, stimulating, interesting, and passionate.

Is the Sexual Instinct your dominant instinct or an instinct you tend to ignore?

To learn more, check out Money: From Fear To Love – Using the Enneagram to Create Wealth, Prosperity, and Love.

The Social instinct is the instinct that enables us to fit into a group, and enables the group to survive from generation to generation.

The Social instinct operates in our limbic system which affects our ability to affiliate, bond, and play, and is the source of our emotions. The Social instinct includes the instinct to nurture and take care of others, to understand reciprocity, and to adapt and modify habitual patterns to the needs of the group. It is also about the instinct to collaborate and cooperate. It is an instinct developed for mutual survival. For example, if I have a good hunt, I will share what I have with the whole group. When I don’t have a good hunt, I trust that someone else will share with me.

With a dominant Social instinct, my main focus will be on cultivating social bonds, fitting in, and contributing. I spend time and effort bonding and connecting with others. I like to be involved in community affairs, and like to donate generously to political, community and social causes. I want the support of my community and work to garner the approval and acceptance of others. I also like to host celebrations and social gatherings. I want people to feel good in my company and cultivate a sense of community amongst my friends. I tend to be optimistic and easy-going and want to cultivate positive experiences as a way to enhance the social experience and the social bonding.

My dominant Social instinct keeps me highly attuned to the needs of others. It feels obvious to me that we rise and fall together as a community. Often, I feel compelled to put the group’s interests ahead of my own. It can feel difficult to spend on myself and stand up for myself in terms of higher pay. My dominant Social instinct instills in me a strong sense of the importance of reciprocity. I trust that those in my social group with whom I share a bond will be fair and abide by an honor code where we will all contribute our fair share, take what we need, and not take advantage of one another. We will not do strict accounting about individual contributions and takings, because we want to emphasize our common bond, affiliation of trust and goodwill, and cultivate a spirit of cooperation and collaboration. With money, the Social instinct prefers to navigate by implicit social norms rather than explicit and direct enforcement of rules and regulations. For example, when splitting a bill at a restaurant after a shared meal, the Social instinct would dictate that everyone should split the bill equally, though the implicit social expectation would be to pay more if you ordered more because that’s the fair thing to do.

There are money strengths and weaknesses associated with a dominant Social instinct. A person with a dominant Social instinct will focus some attention on the basics in terms of spending money on personal needs, making money to cover expenses, and staying roughly within budget, motivated by social responsibility to the family and group. Money is mainly for sharing and deploying for the benefit of others, and enables me to have a life of solid social affiliations, reciprocity, and harmony, where I support others and they support me.

Is the Social Instinct your dominant instinct or an instinct you tend to ignore?

To learn more, check out Money: From Fear To Love – Using the Enneagram to Create Wealth, Prosperity, and Love.

We have hundreds of instincts such as our instinct to sleep, communicate, eat, and seek shelter.

They can succinctly be categorized into three groups. We all have the predisposition to a) stay alive and be safe, secure, comfortable, b) affiliate and bond with others, and c) reproduce and transmit our genetic material. We do not need to use conscious effort for these instincts to function. If a wild boar were chasing us in the jungle, we would run away instinctively. Similarly, a hungry baby does not need to think about swallowing. Our instincts have a basic intelligence of their own that orients us to do what we need to do to survive, get along in a group, and reproduce.

In their natural state, our instincts respond to immediate needs. If, for example, our resources were wiped out by a massive fire, how would our animal instincts respond? With no food or shelter, we would migrate and search for food, band together to find new shelter, and continue on. We would not make up stories, get into dramas, or be tempted to give up.  Such reactions would be distortions caused by our egos.  It is when our personality and ego come on stage that the expression of our instincts can get jumbled. Then our personality wants to have something to say about what we eat, when we eat, how much we eat. When our personalities are fixated and tight, the smooth expression of our instincts becomes increasingly hampered…

The Self-Preservation instinct is the instinct to be safe, secure, and comfortable. This instinct operates in our oldest, root, reptilian brain. It is the most basic instinct. The Self-Preservation instinct in us enables us to know what we need, and continually regulates us to drink, eat, and rest in order to be well. It is the instinct to do what is needed in the moment to survive. This instinct is particularly sensitive to life’s instability. It motivates us to seek structure, stability, and safety nets. The Self-Preservation instinct is not interested in excitement and change. Nor is it interested in attuning to group interests and social norms.

This instinct is all about stability, comfort, and well-being. It is our instinct to have food, warmth, a pleasant place to sleep. This instinct wants to prevent disruption and stimulates us to plan for contingencies. Self-preservation is also about conserving energy and using time wisely. And it is very sensitive to potential dangers – food safety, home safety, environmental safety are important to the Self-Preservation instinct because threats to our safety threaten our stability and well-being.  The Self-Preservation instinct will try to do whatever it takes to prevent physical danger, suffering, or discomfort.

When Self-Preservation is our dominant focus, we believe that material resources help us survive. We tend to be very logical and analytical about what we need to survive. This emphasis on material well-being can create a tendency to become selfish and cause us to experience self-imagined scarcity.

There are money strengths and weaknesses associated with a dominant Self-Preservation instinct. A person with a dominant Self-Preservation instinct will focus on taking care of the basics by spending money on physical necessities, earning enough to cover expenses, and staying roughly within budget. Money will be deployed in a pragmatic, functional way to ensure basic safety, comfort, and self-sufficiency. For someone with a dominant self-preservation instinct, the purpose of money is to have a life that is comfortable and pleasant, with minimal disruptions.

Is Self-Preservation your dominant instinct or an instinct you tend to ignore?

To learn more, check out Money: From Fear To Love – Using the Enneagram to Create Wealth, Prosperity, and Love.

Our relationships to money are driven so much by our unconscious.

We don’t in fact recognize that 90% of our relationship to money is driven by our unconscious and not our conscious minds! As I wrote my book and as I work with clients, it becomes clearer and clearer to me how important our instincts are to understanding our relationships to money.

I wanted to share here with you some of my understanding of what the instincts are and why they matter so much.  In order to do this with integrity and some depth, I am going to do a 5-part series.

Our human consciousness makes us unique in the animal kingdom. Unlike other animals, human beings can have an awareness of their existence, and can reflect on their thoughts and feelings. At the same time, we share a lot in common with living organisms in our programming to stay alive, organize socially, and reproduce sexually. Our programming leads us to do certain behaviors automatically. Like birds that know how to build nests, ants that know how to self-organize to create a complex social organization, or drone bees that know to mate with a queen bee in the air, we have instincts to survive, socialize, and reproduce without thinking about it. Having evolved over millions of years, our preprogrammed instincts enable us to respond naturally to environmental stimuli as they arise, giving us a survival edge.

There are a whole set of behaviors that we tend to do automatically at a level beyond our conscious thought even though in theory we could control them. For Maslow, an instinct is something that cannot be overridden, and therefore does not apply to human beings who can override the instincts. Yes, we humans certainly have the potential to modify and even override our instincts. This does not mean, though, that we always choose to do so. Animals that hibernate, care for their young, migrate, and mate, do not have the potential to control their instinctual behavior. When we are behaving in an automatic, preprogrammed way, we are closer to our animal nature than our human nature. Being able to take control and modify our human instincts requires us to have deliberate intention and take deliberate action. To what extent our human instincts govern, motivate and drive our actual behavior depends to a large degree on how awake we are and our ability to separate from our automaticities and observe ourselves from a distance.

Next in this 5-part series, more on the Self-Preservation Instinct.

To learn more, check out Money: From Fear To Love – Using the Enneagram to Create Wealth, Prosperity, and Love.

I recently did a podcast for Inside Personal Growth, and I was asked a great question that I wanted to share with you.

“All around us, we are seeing economies that are on the brink of collapse and monetary systems in need of overhaul. In the preface of your book, you mention the movie “inside Job,” and how the guys on Wall Street were making millions at the cost of others, and they were living a “fake prosperity – money without love. Can you explain “fake prosperity,” and how this affects are world?”

Great question!

Fake prosperity is when we orient to money in a traditional, mechanistic way. Fake prosperity comes from believing that we need more money to be happier, that bigger is better, that the more money I have, the more I win. Fake prosperity is about competition, survival, and external markers of success. It belies a sense of scarcity and a zero-sum existence.

What’s fake about this type of prosperity is that it doesn’t bring any sense of inner fulfillment or peace of mind that comes from being connected on the inside or the outside. There is no inner satisfaction that comes from self-acceptance and self-love. Nor is there any outer satisfaction in terms of living in alignment with our meaning, purpose, and bigger legacy.  What’s also fake about this type of prosperity is that it is based on a survive-and-compete mode, which we are actually meant to outgrow as we mature.

As our universe evolves its consciousness, we are meant to move past this scarcity orientation. We are supposed to learn to recognize and admit our material abundance, and move past an obsession with our physical well-being.

When we have a relationship to money that is awake and conscious, we move beyond survive and compete mode, and begin to get connected to our meaning, purpose, impact and legacy,  When we begin to have an awake relationship to money, we begin to really show up and shine.  We begin to live in a way that is creative, generative, abundant, generous. We begin to live from love, and not fear, greed, bending the rules, taking advantage of people, and ones-upsmanship.  We begin to recognize the power of our lives, and we take responsibility for the fact that, to borrow a phrase from James Redfield, “our personal reality is contagious,” and we begin to show others, by example and deed, what is really possible for one human life. We begin to live from the truth that abundance and love is the greatest truth.

To hear the interview with Greg Voison of Inside Personal Growth, click here.

Let’s face it. Our lives are stressful. We have a lot of responsibilities on our shoulders and a lot of hats to wear.

Managing money is one of the most important skills to surviving in today’s modern world. But while managing money for ourselves is one thing, managing money in a relationship as a couple is even more complex.

Managing money as a couple requires a whole extra layer of complexity and difficulty that many of us aren’t aware of, and that’s what gets us into trouble.

The top 3 things couples fight about are sex, money, and chores. What makes money one of the top 3 things couples fight about? Couples fight about money for a number of reasons. It doesn’t seem to matter how much or little money they have. Money seems to be one of the top argument starter because money is a loaded topic. In my experience, here are the 5 main reasons people fight about money:

Priorities – Not seeing eye to eye on spending, saving, investing priorities. Spending too much or too little.

Control – being out of control, or overly controlling (gambling, taking too many risks)

Stress – working too much and not having the time to take care of money matters and the big picture.

Blame – Sharing responsibilities is difficult. It can be complicated to coordinate together and share one system of operating, making sure bills get paid on time, checkbook remains up to date, accounts stay in the black. A lot of blame can occur when things go wrong. This can result in a lack of trust. Blame about not making enough money, not recording checks properly, causing a high debt balance, spending too much, not paying attention to what’s in the account, not paying bills on time.

Not feeling appreciated for what you bring to the table – monetarily and otherwise.

Given this “fact of life” that money is one of the top 3 things couples fight about, is it really even possible to have peace about money?! What would it look and feel like even? What would be needed to make that happen?

Take a look at your own marriage and your relationship to money as a couple. Write down the top two reasons you fight about money.